Cannonball!!

Well I guess I have yet to become a consistent blogger, so here I am attempting to start up once again by writing about something that is very much on my mind these days. Every time I think about it I can easily begin to tear up and become overwhelmed with emotion. One day I can feel confidently secure in my decision, the next, questioning and wavering. I could hash out all the details of my thought process, create a list of the pros versus cons of different situational outcomes, or outline the varying reasons why I am just plain having a hard time.  But it all boils down to this...my firstborn (and only) son will be going to Kindergarten in just a matter of weeks!  Instead of going into all the previously mentioned blubberings, I choose instead to dedicate this blog to my amazing and wonderful son Jonah and share just a little bit about the boy I see him to be. Hopefully, in the process I will talk myself into a peace about facing this mother of all "first" for us both.

The small picture collage above is of him in his swimming class, jumping off the diving board for the first time without floaties.  As the first in his class (by choice), he carefully walked up to edge with a nervous kind of smile, appearing for an (extremely) short moment to be shy or hesitant...and then pushed full force ahead screaming "Cannonball!" as he jumped right in. (He has no knowledge, by the way, that a cannonball requires anything more than the shouting of the word "cannonball" while jumping into the water :) This senario in part speaks a lot about him. He is not afraid to break the ice, be the first, and create a contagious excitement for otheres to follow. There is a carefuleness in him that I have often appreciated, particularly in dangerous situations, but is quickly balanced by an extreme, all out exuberance and passion when he choses to "jump in" to something.  This includes simply talking. There is a 99% chance that you will hear him before you actually see him!

  He is quite the effective communicator (like his dad), negotiater extraoridinaire, persistant beyond compare, intelligent, inventive (though I do grow weary of all the booby traps!),creative and funny.  But by far what stands out in my mind is his loving heart.  Expressing encouragement and love flows so naturally through him, particularly with his words. I don't think there is a day that goes by that he will not encourage each of us at home in something whether it be "you are the best mom I ever had" or "this food is wonderful!" (haha what little boy says that??).  Not to mention I'm so thankful for the protective and loving big brother that he is.

Ok it's true, I could go on and on about my son and there would still be more left to say.  I have learned so much about who I am, how ferocious and consuming love can be, and about my God and what it really means to be His child.  I became a mom by title the second I birthed Jonah into this world after jumping on the N train (in labor) to the downtown NYC hospital where he would be born 12 hours later...but I learned how to truly become that role step by step, day by day and side by side with him....Yes, this is a HUGE step for us both! New influences, so much time away from me, so much i cannot control (no I am NOT a control friek,call me that and i'll block you from reading this :)...but in the end I do rest in knowing I am not his only protector.  Jonah is already teaching me to develop a new level of trust in my Father who is ALWAYS with him. Though there are many variables, unknowns and fears like that day 5 years ago he was born, this is very different from that day.  Apart from the obvious differences (pain, blood, drugs, me screaming at a poor innocent intern named Seth...i digress)  I know my son now and I know who I have become as a mom, I know the heart of his amazing dad, and I know we are all held by our Father. We are gonna be just fine.

Dare to make a mistake

"revelation is hiding behind heresy" -These words are what stand out, resonante and continue to echo in my mind from our time tonite w/ an awesome guest speaker Kris Vallotton. 

I am challenged to make a mistake; to think beyond the confines of the current existing precepts that have been established  by those who have so designated themselves to define, outline and dare I say control who I am to be simply because I carry the title "Christian."  I am challenged to live beyond a set of rules and restrictive suggestions and actually be unconditional love (the power to do so stems only from knowing this firsthand).  I want to begin to think and further, speak, past my fear of being wrong, even contradictive to the Word.  Afterall, if my heart is to honor, how can I dishonor? May i be mistakened for doing so? Absolutely, but yet I am newly willing to take that risk.  I am challenged to read the Word outside of the context that my brain has been well trained and framed to read it within. I have been challenged to seek after a God who has laid out for me (us!) limitless access to amazing treasures that lie waiting, dusty and longing, just short of crying out to be found.  Perhaps all because generation after generation have not dared to look there, not brave enough to learn beyond what has already been taught. And when one does....we throw stones and title it heresy.   

I am challenged to be a leader to a culture of embracing mistakes. Dare I say encourage them? Because mistakes are indicative of risk taking.  If those speaking heresy were gauged by the motivation of their heart rather than for the face value measure of their words, could we already be closer to that awaiting truth and hidden treasure?  Could it be that even wrong words broaching an "unquestionable" theology are merely a precedent to new truths, when given the freedom to search on?  If given direction rather than rejection, could one sooner attain revelation that would be freeing for us all? Could it be that if we begin to open our minds to the possibility that we have held wrong or distorted beliefs all along, we would both begin to search out the truth for ourselves and embrace others doing the same.  Mistake-making is inevitable, but yet exciting!...because it means we are on the move...and revelation is in the making.

Get Inspired

True imagination is not moving the blocks of our reality from one spot to another, rather it is the pouring forth of an entirely new reality according to the wellspring of the dreams within our hearts.

Robert Tennyson Stevens



So I am starting a new venture to actively pursue inspiration. Why?? Because it breeds CREATION! And I want to create and then allow my creations to inspire others, who will in turn… (all together now) Create!!  Creativity is in ALL of us, just some more visible and tapped into than others. 

Ok yes I am aware that my last three major "creations" make up most of my time (joyfully so of course : ) But in everything we do we make choices.  We ALL have some kind of downtime, or steal-away time, or (most majestic music played here) “ME” time.  What we choose to fill that time with can be a doorway to endless possibilities. On one side you have the ease of mindless entertainment (feel not judged, I am a fan!) However, what does this release in us?  In what does it challenge us to go further in, dream bigger…create?  But, that is the way I unwind!! (you and I may both rebut in a quick “no I am NOT being defensive” kind of way).

 Well that is why you (and... I?...weird)  have me, to help you with a most excellent counter-rebuttal! So start where you are at! If the internet and tv are common ways for us to unwind, don’t just watch anything, just to have something to watch. FIND something that inspires you.  On the internet, don’t just stare at the facebook newsfeed waiting for an interesting tidbit of randomness to show itself in livetime, find blogs that inspire you and even “how-to’s” that challenge you to try something new! Read books and listen to music that inspire.  If you have a little more freedom to do so than I at this stage, travel!...and even if you can't, just get out in nature!  The best creations pull from a diversity of inspirations and mediums.  Oh and the best idea yet- get around people that inspire you. It’s contagious! I promise! 

"blah, blah, blah" blog entry

I have had this blog created for about 2 months now.  I pretty much had the title decided on immediately.  I obsessed over the look of the blog for about a month. Researched, walked away, revisited (did I mention obsessed?) until I settled on its current look.  Next, the creation of the first blog entry.  My blog title was inspired by a song that I wrote, so I decided instead of opening with some introductory “blah, blah, blah” blog entry, I would do a video entry.  A song (from which I also quoted in the sub-title…is it  arrogant to quote your own song lyrics? I digress….) capturing the heart of my blog with guitar and vocals performed by none other than…me. Perfect.  Wait, am I forgetting that I am a fulltime mom to three kids five and under? I am kidding myself to think that there exists in my life a window of time, small as it may need to be, where there is enough quiet and solitude to self-record this entry? And should one arise, singing out loud would surely bring a quick and sudden death to such a rare and oh so beautiful moment. 

As if this obstacle was not grandiose enough, I predetermined in my mind what my personal look should be in this video in which I would have my debut opportunity to “serenade the world.”  You know, one part artsy, one part trendy, with a splash of quirky and sophisticated maturity thrown in the mix.  So now not only do I need a quiet place to record, but I need to have showered, done my hair to acceptable standards, make-up on (maybe a little heavier than an average day) and hmmmmm what to wear….? 

I am obviously debuting my blog video entry-less.  Though I have not gone without attempts; ones marked by battling (need I mention screaming?) toddlers and me in turn, unable to refrain from laughing and pointlessly improvising “oh the insanity” lyrics into my interrupted song.

This very instance echoes a pattern in my life.  Too often, if I am unable to carry out something as perfectly as it is constructed in my head, my heart, my expectations….it remains just there; Unimpactful, unsubstantiated, invisible, unacquired.  All the amazing ideas, intentions, plans, even visions inside me mound up to a big pile of nothing if I never do anything about them.

 So this is me, being honest about me, but changing that pattern.  Here is my introductory “blah, blah, blah” blog entry.  But instead of a title page with a blank blog body that I’ve been staring at for 2 months, I am putting words on the page. I am FINALLY getting started.  It may not be what I wanted it to be, but it’s something!  And this something feels good to do… and you never know, you just may see that video blog one day soon….